I grew up in a church where a relationship with the Lord was just something that was expected of you, not something you choose to do because your heart is in it. If you didn't want to go to Hell you get saved. I always thought I could say the words and that was enough. I didn't understand that it was my heart He wanted not just my will.
When I was 13 I was doing my usual going along thinking I was doing fine when I was laying in bed one night and I heard yelling in the living room, it was my parents. They were arguing about the church.
My father was on the board and unbeknown to me there was a merge between our church and the Korean church in town because they needed a building. My dad was against it highly for his own reasons but my mother and he disagreed.
All the sudden I heard my mother say, Ive been secretly going to another church for a couple weeks and Im going there this week and I'm taking the kids with me. I was stunned. Not only was I born as a part of that church I'd been raised there all my life. I didn't even know going to another one was "allowed"
Inside me I felt a sense of dread all night long. I wasnt suppose to have heard the conversation so I had to be silent until the next day when I could ask my mother about it. When she came to me and told me we were going to the other church I had a deep sense of dread. I was 13 so I was sure I was going to Hell and my mother was taking me there.
My mother dragged me there that Sunday, literally. I thought if I made it hard for her to get me ready and dug in my heels that she would give up and leave me home but no. We ended up going there and I was sent to the Sunday School program were I refused to participate. The would ask questions and I had nothing to add. This went on for a whole year. I was not going to give these people any satisfaction.
One day my parents said we needed to have a discussion. I thought it would have been about me being a "bad girl" in church but it wasnt. My dad had gotten a promotion and it would bring us to another town 500 miles away. I was pleased because I thought it meant my mom had come to her senses and once we moved we would go back to the denomination I grew up in. In my 13 year old mind that made perfect sense anyway.
My mother took as to the "new kind" of church but after a year of fighting and scratching I had given in and surrendered to the way it was going to be. I decided I'd be sociable so I said hi to people and such.
After a few months there was a new youth pastor that came in. Boy did he put a smile on this hormonal little girls heart. I thought he was the cutest thing since Shirley Temple. He asked me if Id like to join youth group as I hadnt been and I was more then happy to oblige. Little did I know that this man would be the one that really taught me who God really was.
I went for a couple of weeks and I listened to the youth pastor "eagerly". The more I did the more my heart was being molded and softened by something, "someone" I didn't understand. I began to feel different. I watched as other kids and people around me seem to feel something I didn't. I knew something was in them that wasn't in me so i decided to be brave and ask questions.
Over the next few weeks my youth pastor and his wife taught me about the Bible, even taught me that it was ok to look into it myself. I became enthralled with the scriptures. I never heard the things that I read there and wanted it to become reality in my life.
One night the youth group was having what was called a "lock in" we were at the church all night playing games, praying, bible study. I felt particularly curious that night and I hounded my youth pastor's wife with so many questions I'm sure she thought I was a goof.
We decided to go on a bus to a spot out in the middle of the city to pray over it. I didnt even really know what to pray or how to pray at the time but God all the sudden spoke loudly in my ear and said "I want to introduce Myself to you in a way that you've never known, I want a relationship with you". All of the sudden out in the middle of the city my hands flew in the air and I began to worship God even though nobody else was. Tears of joy came out of me that I'll never be able to explain but that night I knew I was going to get to know God.
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