The Night I Gave My Heart To The Lord

I grew up in a church where a relationship with the Lord was just something that was expected of you, not something you choose to do because your heart is in it. If you didn't want to go to Hell you get saved. I always thought I could say the words and that was enough. I didn't understand that it was my heart He wanted not just my will.

When I was 13 I was doing my usual going along thinking I was doing fine when I was laying in bed one night and I heard yelling in the living room, it was my parents. They were arguing about the church.

My father was on the board and unbeknown to me there was a merge between our church and the Korean church in town because they needed a building. My dad was against it highly for his own reasons but my mother and he disagreed.

All the sudden I heard my mother say, Ive been secretly going to another church for a couple weeks and Im going there this week and I'm taking the kids with me. I was stunned. Not only was I born as a part of that church I'd been raised there all my life. I didn't even know going to another one was "allowed"

Inside me I felt a sense of dread all night long. I wasnt suppose to have heard the conversation so I had to be silent until the next day when I could ask my mother about it. When she came to me and told me we were going to the other church I had a deep sense of dread. I was 13 so I was sure I was going to Hell and my mother was taking me there.

My mother dragged me there that Sunday, literally. I thought if I made it hard for her to get me ready and dug in my heels that she would give up and leave me home but no. We ended up going there and I was sent to the Sunday School program were I refused to participate. The would ask questions and I had nothing to add. This went on for a whole year. I was not going to give these people any satisfaction.

One day my parents said we needed to have a discussion. I thought it would have been about me being a "bad girl" in church but it wasnt. My dad had gotten a promotion and it would bring us to another town 500 miles away. I was pleased because I thought it meant my mom had come to her senses and once we moved we would go back to the denomination I grew up in. In my 13 year old mind that made perfect sense anyway.

My mother took as to the "new kind" of church but after a year of fighting and scratching I had given in and surrendered to the way it was going to be. I decided I'd be sociable so I said hi to people and such.

After a few months there was a new youth pastor that came in. Boy did he put a smile on this hormonal little girls heart. I thought he was the cutest thing since Shirley Temple. He asked me if Id like to join youth group as I hadnt been and I was more then happy to oblige. Little did I know that this man would be the one that really taught me who God really was.

I went for a couple of weeks and I listened to the youth pastor "eagerly". The more I did the more my heart was being molded and softened by something, "someone" I didn't understand. I began to feel different. I watched as other kids and people around me seem to feel something I didn't. I knew something was in them that wasn't in me so i decided to be brave and ask questions.

Over the next few weeks my youth pastor and his wife taught me about the Bible, even taught me that it was ok to look into it myself. I became enthralled with the scriptures. I never heard the things that I read there and wanted it to become reality in my life.

One night the youth group was having what was called a "lock in" we were at the church all night playing games, praying, bible study. I felt particularly curious that night and I hounded my youth pastor's wife with so many questions I'm sure she thought I was a goof.

We decided to go on a bus to a spot out in the middle of the city to pray over it. I didnt even really know what to pray or how to pray at the time but God all the sudden spoke loudly in my ear and said "I want to introduce Myself to you in a way that you've never known, I want a relationship with you". All of the sudden out in the middle of the city my hands flew in the air and I began to worship God even though nobody else was. Tears of joy came out of me that I'll never be able to explain but that night I knew I was going to get to know God.

Ten Significant Events In My Life/ 10 Books I Loved Growing Up

1 Getting Saved
2. Graduating High School
3. Moving out on my own
4. Getting Married
5. Getting a real house
6. My first nephew
7 My first love
8. My first kiss
9. My first trip to California. (somewhere other then hick states)
10. college

1. Eight Cousins
2. Little Women
3. Heidi
4. Rebecca of Sunny Brook Farms
5. Jeanette Okes Love Comes Softly Series
6. Dee Hendersons Reunion Series
7. Ramona
8. Amelia Bedilia
9. Blessed Child
10. Hinds Feet On Hinds Places
9.

My Dream Writing spot

When I think of where my dream writing spot would be I understand its idealistic and unrealistic but it would be on a park bench in the mountains. Id have a waterfall near by for white sound to blur out any distractions. Preferably a really loud one so that I can only hear the rush of the powerful water pounding the rocks.

Id have beautiful sequoia trees surrounding me, tall and strong. The smell of flowers down the stream that flows under a rickety bridge. Id also have a chair that was adjustable so that if I got uncomfortable I could move it both back and forth and up and down. I

My writing would be inspired by beautiful birds and mountain goats climbing the rocks. The peaceful chirping and the graceful dance of the goats would incite awe and wonder at God's glorious creation.

I told you it sounds like fantasy but thats what I've always dreamed of having as a place I could express my deepest thoughts and feelings on paper as a form of worship that would be pleasing to God

The most creative person I've ever known

I knew a girl in her twenties that had talent that just wouldn't quit. She was a singer, a musician and an artist and also an avid writer. She had so many opportunities in front of her. She was asked by many church and community event coordinators to get involved in everything from drawing murrals for prayer rooms to leading worship conferences.

I admired her because she knew she needed to use her gifts and took every opportunity to use them in a variety of ways. There isnt a person in town that she hasnt influenced with her enthusiasm for life and bubbly personality. That was part of what added to the charm of her talents is that she was excited when she used them. She also used them to help alot of people. Many times if there was a need her talents would  promote a business, support a ministry or just plain bless someone that needed it.

I'd love to be like that. Once I tap into a gift I want it to be something that is used to bless others and help the world be a better place

Inventors with disabilities

Its very interesting how many inventors have disabilities. I think that probably comes from having to adapt to the limitations they had. I was reading in the book that Im getting these prompts from that alot of the creative juices that come are through struggling through it. If you struggle through something you are likely to have more epiphanies then if you just wrote to just get something without even trying. As unappealing as that sounds it makes sense. When we are forced to work out a problem we tend to have to learn problem solving skills as well as critical thinking.

All the inventors that I found did amazing things such as write music when deaf, discover forces of nature when having seizures and discover record players with deafness. How incredible the human body is to figure out how to compensate for what we don't have. If only we could remember that when we are complaining about not being able to do the little things in life. Often we just give into helplessness or deprivation because we dont want to work to get what we want. I know that some times we need to accept our limitations but I think it happens too often and we dont get as far in our lives as we could if we chose to work hard and think more about what we wanted and needed.

I know I have been guilty of these things. I am in pain or Im tired so I choose to live without something.Then I  feel terrible because I dont feel like my life has amounted to anything. Its a vicious cycle that most Americans have accepted as the normal. Sad really when you think of all the other places in the world that really dont have resources but they are often content with what they have.

I pray that I will grow in this aspect because life is really short and there is only so much time to become what Im suppose to be.

Reframing The Obstacles To My Writing

Most cumbersome obstacle is fear. Fear that it wont appeal to anyone and fear that I wont be able to accomplish what I want to with it. I guess it is a chance for me to realistically work through things and overcome challenge. That would definitely increase my confidence in other ways and help me to realize that I do have potential.

The other obstacle is lack of knowledge. That will force me to broaden my horizons\

The gift writing has been

Many times when I couldnt share how I felt with other people or even formulate words to myself I would write.
I love being able to put my thoughts down so that I can sort them out and even rearrange them if I can see that they just arent helping me. I have often thought that sometimes if I put my thoughts on the outside  they would be more managable
There are other times on the other hand when I couldnt even think of anything to say or when I saw the words they came out totally the opposite of what I really want to convey or truly have in my heart. I think this is what happens to me the most is that I freeze when I have to confront my words and thoughts. I also feel uncomfortable with what other people  might think of me if they truly say what was on the inside. It often paralyzes me to think that my deepest feelings and honest opinions would be attacked to the core. I fear being belittled, criticized, and rejected for what I have been holding in and protecting.
The wonderful thing about writing is if you dont want to show it to anyone you dont have too and you can still take yourself where you want to go and be who you are. There are times when you wont even like what you write or think but the truth is out there. Its not just in your head ruminating and becoming bigger then life.

When Im Inspired

Usually Im inspired when Im really sad or really happy. The depths of despair inspire me as does elation. I dont know why I have no motivation when life is just normal. I wonder if that happens with most people if not everyone. I often wish I could find inspiration when I am at a calm because I feel like I can think better but maybe not. Maybe being in despair or elation somehow triggers a mechanism in my brain that causes me to think more clearly. Who knows?

I was able to write alot when I was dumped by a fiance and when I separated from my husband. I was able to write when my life was closest to God and when I was at my most happy place  but when Im just going through day to day processes I guess I tell myself nobody would be interested in anything I had to say or would even be disturbed at what I share. So to avoid anyone falling asleep or off their chair I just dont do anything.

I find myself really wanting to share my inner thoughts and ideas all the time but seldom risk rejection by just thinking about what I would write. Maybe just maybe I could venture out and see if anyone would like to hear what I had to say or get something valuable out of my writing. We shall see.

Motivational Sayings for my writing

A keen sense of humor helps us overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable.
- Billy Graham


A singer starts by having his instrument as a gift from God. When you have been given something in a moment of grace, it is sacrilegious to be greedy.
- Marian Anderson


A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills and uses these skills to accomplish his goals.
- Larry Bird


Amateurs wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work.
- Chuck Close

Prompt 2 Writing Is Hard

I am still not very confident in my writing even though Ive had more then one person tell me I would do well. I guess we always see ourselves differently then others.

I need to figure out what kind of writing I am really good at. I've done a few types but to be honest I never really stuck to one long enough to be excellent in any one area. Perhaps now that I have financial motivation that will help me be more disciplined.

Prompt 1 Who has influenced me to write

When I was separated I unfortunately had to write a few confrontation letters. I felt intimidated because words never seemed to make my point come across. I agonized and prayed over the words and every one that I shared  them with in my support system would tell me that I wrote eloquently and beautifully.

One of my friends thats usually very critical and also very intelligent had to help me edit one of the college papers I  wrote, she told me I would be a good writer and should seriously pursue it.

I started a novel when I was a kid in school and was very encouraged to do it.

Experimenting

Its been recommended to me that I pursue more in my writing. I'm not even really sure where to begin but Ive been researching ideas and rules and such so I'm going to experiment here and see what happens.

The first experiment they suggested is to find adjectives for my personality. Even as I was reading about this I had a friend suggest maybe fiction or romance but I realized I'm too analytical and writing something "fake" would drive me nuts cause I would keep trying to make sense of it. How silly is that? It is however a very interesting thing I learned about myself and also a clue as to what my writing voice ISNT. So at least I have a first step to learning what I need to not do .

I've also thought about the things I have done even though I've never published. One is paraphrasing the bible and also other books. The other is journaling. Perhaps between those two things I can expand my horizons. I guess even this is doing that. I may be off to a good start after all. Who knows? I'd appreciate any comments or feedback.